Hey, Jason Toon here with another Shoddy Goods, the newsletter from Meh about the stuff people make, buy, and sell. Hidden Valley Ranch is really excited about their new flavors, and some anonymous copywriter is having fun with it - or making fun of it. Beyond a certain point, what's the difference? Here are two things I like: ranch dressing and over-the-top copywriting. I practiced the latter myself for a decade-plus at Woot and then Meh. It's what got me where I am today. My devotion to the former is evident both on my ranch-drenched salad plate and in my wardrobe: I am the only person you know who owns a Hidden Valley Ranch t-shirt. I literally wear my love for ranch on my sleeve. But I never expected these two enthusiasms to come together… until a ridiculous press release from Hidden Valley wafted through my transom. Symphony in Buttermilk "Hidden Valley® Ranch Unveils Seven Bold New Flavors" proclaims the headline on the April 4, 2025 news release. So far, so ho-hum, but don't be fooled. Like all great works of comedy, this one heightens the absurdity as it goes along.
The new lineup in "reimagined" packaging (their word). The lede hints at some of the hyperbole to come. Hidden Valley "is taking its flavor game to the next level. Today, Hidden Valley Ranch announced the launch of seven new crave-worthy flavors that help elevate every meal or snack." Think about that a second: every meal or snack. They're telling you to put these new ranch flavors on literally everything you eat. They must be pretty mind-blowing, right? I'm thinking, what, like, lavender-Sriracha? Curry-Dulce de Leche? Speculoos-Spam? How bold is bold enough to elevate every meal or snack? Not very. The lineup is Blue Cheese, Kickin' Cajun, Cilantro Lime, Cracked Pepper, Sweet BBQ, Garlic, and Creamy Jalapeño. Don't get me wrong, they sound delicious and I want them all flooding my mouth immediately. I'm just not seeing anything that's going to get ranch into the mix come breakfast time. But the salad dressing is incidental. We're here to watch a copywriter at play. "'As the creators of ranch, Hidden Valley Ranch is uniquely positioned to continue to take ranch to the next level,' said CC Ciafone, Marketing Director at Hidden Valley Ranch. 'Our newest flavor creations are all about pushing the boundaries and delivering that irresistible, crave-worthy ranch flavor people love, but with a unique twist.'" Then, before I could recover, this virtuouso finished me off with this coup de grace: "Hidden Valley Ranch is introducing a revolution in ranch packaging", with an "Inverted Easy-Squeeze Bottle" that "reduces ranch waste" with "clean, controlled pours every time." They must be kidding… right? The question is, did they do this to be funny on purpose, or is it just a case of PR hype taken to its logically ludicrous extreme? Hidden Valley has a mildly wacky brand persona these days. "Only serious about flavor" proclaims their Instagram, above posts like an April Fool's collaboration with hipster soda brand Olipop, and the now de rigeur real "collabs" with brands like Van Leeuwen ice cream and Crocs. Their "Home Collection" includes Hidden Valley-branded bedding and wallpaper. You get the idea.
Deck out your house in these before you bring a date home. If they stay, they're the one. But having been on the other side of pieces like this, my guess is that there are three layers to this salad. At the bottom is the tired, rote vernacular of corporate marketing. I'm imagining there was a draft of this where all that "uniquely positioned" and "pushing the boundaries" and "bold" and "innovative" cliches came from, written by people for whom imagination is a liability. Then it went to the brand folks, who know that Hidden Valley is supposed to be fun and fresh and outrageous at the moment. They punched it up with some more vivid lingo: "crave-worthy" and "fiery zest" and "level up the flavor." They meant well - that's what passes for daring these days. Finally a copywriter got ahold of it. They saw, immediately, the absurdity inherent in this fevered declaration of a breakthrough in ranch science. Why not fully embrace it? Why not push it to such comical extremes that its preposterousness could not be denied? Why not have a little fun at work? Thus the "revolution in ranch packaging", the "every meal or snack", the "clean, controlled pours". Those phrases are precision-tooled mockery. Such straight-faced hosannas to the latest Hidden Valley products turn all the other cliches in the piece into parody. The sheer fervor ridicules the whole idea of the media release. "I'll see your 'crave-worthy' and raise you another 'crave-worthy'!" And all in a way that nobody could get mad about because it's only following the brief. Bravo, my anonymous brother or sister in copywriting extravagance. I'm sure that was a good day on the job.
Did you think I was kidding about the t-shirt? The egotistical, narcissistic part of me wants us to lay claim to why and how these mainstream brands are now embracing over-the-top copywriting to pitch their mundane and potentially outdated products. But of course we got our ideas from earlier brands occasionally willing to break out of the boring press release mold. What are your favorite “are they really doing that?” brands? I think mine may be the Steak-umm official Twitter account, with their unexpectedly deep thinking on scientific literacy, critical thinking and more. These zesty, haunting, powerfully alive Shoddy Goods stories turn any molecule of digestible material into a raging civil disturbance of flavor in your foodhole:
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