You get advice from all sorts of places. Friends, books, marketing emails. So why not from celestial bodies? |
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You will be misdiagnosed with jazz hands when your fingers start to move uncontrollably. They’re actually typing out “Hot Frosty” fan fiction. Place them on a keyboard and become the next great American novelist. |
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The symbol for Taurus is a bull, A.K.A. a male cow. A Big “Mac” is made of beef. The word “beef” kind of looks like “book” if you squint. Books fall through the “air” when you drop them. Coincidence? Absolutely. |
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You will meet a tall, charming, wealthy stranger. It won’t be the Galaxy ZFlip, because it’s a phone. Still worth buying one, though. |
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Take some time this month to consider your astrological mascot, the humble crab. Ten legs. Two claws. One shell. Zero iPads. Don’t be like the crab. |
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It’s strange that you, Leo Tolstoy, get your own astrological sign. It’s also strange that you want a PS5. |
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Some of your favorite personalities will speak detailed messages directly into your ear. Fortunately for you, it’s easy to skip podcast ads. |
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September 23 - October 22 |
A shadowy figure will grant you three wishes if you can tell him exactly how many steps from your front door to the Long John Silver’s by the highway. Strap on a smartwatch and start walking. |
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We wanted to research your sign, but the name “Scorpio” kind of scared us. So we did our hair instead. |
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November 22 - December 21 |
All your hopes and dreams will come true when those Milano cookie crumbs disappear (with a little help from a robot vacuum). |
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Capricorn makes us think of corn wearing capri pants. Pretty cute, right? Contemplate it over a (few) cups of coffee. |
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Aquarius is Latin for "aquarium enthusiast" which makes sense because you’re going to drop your phone in a fish tank. |
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A long-lost friend will tell you that the “C” in “Pisces” isn’t actually silent. Don’t believe them? Get an iPhone and google it. |
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Be honest. Did you like this? |
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